It's Tuesday morning and, yet again, we've had a long night of disturbed sleep
It's grey, wet and miserable outside
The kettle has just broken and my face is itchy because I need a shave
I need to write some uplifting, inspirational content for the website yet I just want to crawl back into bed
How can I do that? It feels fraudulent, like I'm saying one thing when I feel another.
This was something that was a daily occurrence back when I used to wear "the mask" for people. I would tell people what I thought they wanted to hear, anything that diverted attention away from what was truly going on in my head.
It's taken a long time for me to break that habit, and it didn't happen overnight.
When I came out of psychiatric hospital in 2015 I resolved to never be that person again, to live with total and brutal honesty in all that I say and do
But it's hard
Sometimes we want to 'protect' the other person
Sometimes it's just not appropriate to launch into a soliloquy about our feelings and emotions, especially when the guy at McDonald's Drive-Thru was just being polite when he asked if I was okay
So what to do?
Well, if I'm to be true to myself, and true to the ethos and intentions of our website, then I have to be honest and true to our fellow members too
Today, I just don't feel 'inspirational'
It feels good to say it
I don't have to wear a fake smile for the rest of the day
Equally, I don't have to wear a frown in order to evidence this revelation
I'm free to just be 'me' today, knowing that I've shared to you how I am, and I have no expectation for you to try and make me feel better, or 'fix' me.
Because I know that nothing needs fixing!
I feel low this morning. I have acknowledged it and, greatest of all, it will pass!
No need to run from it
No need to hide it from anyone
Let it drift on by as I carry on being me
I really don't feel like it today...
And that's okay with me x