Mice have eaten and done their wee’s, all over everything we had in storage.
And, since there was only had a handful of possessions that weren’t in storage.
Mice have eaten and done their wee’s, all over everything we own.
Everything we own.
All. Of. It.
Theres something you should know about us:
We’ve moved a lot so, historically, we've travelled light.
But now there are five Carlisle children!
They come with a lot of accessories.
I know a lot of people subscribe to the theory of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.
Which is of course very admirable.
But personally? I’m not a fan.
l dislike things sitting in cupboards and wardrobes, being all forgotten and neglected.
If we aren’t using something right now, possibly might use it in the future, but definitely are not using it right now?
Then it gets donated.
Usually sent over to West Africa, where my dad works.
Or South Africa, where my brother lives.
Put to immediate use, by those in need.
So, conversely, if we do keep something?
lt has huge sentimental value.
Or is really useful.
Nothing in between.
And now all this useful and sentimental stuff is ruined.
Leaving me honest-to-god devastated. I spent all of yesterday afternoon crying.
And I'm honestly not great at holding one emotion for very long.
l get too distracted.
So feeling the same emotion for an entire afternoon is a big deal for me.
Clarke gave me big hugs, as I cried and talked. And talked and cried.
Different words, same refrain.
We worked so hard for that stuff, and now it’s ruined.
We‘ve always taken such good care of our stuff, it’s not fair.
Our kids have nothing now, all their stuff is gone.
Then I finally asked Clarke what he thought.
He gave a massive pause, because, unlike his wife, he chooses all his words with care.
You called it stuff three times.
So I know it’s not the “stuff” you really care about.
(yet another long pause)
The question is
(so much pausing)
What are you really upset about?
Okay. Fine. He’s got me there.
l have been scared to let anything sentimental go, since Clarke tried to kill himself.
Because deep down, l was still afraid he would die, and I would have nothing left of him to hold on to.
And truly, that’s no way to live.
I heard a voice in my head say “it’s time to let it all go”
And straight after it, Clarke said ”don't you think it’s time to let it all go?”
(They would have both been at the same time but, you know, patented Clarkey pause etc.)
So I am. I’m letting it all go.
And it feels scary, but I also feel so much lighter.
Letting go feels like it’s about to become a major theme in my life.
lt's the biggest mental challenge I’ve faced in a long time.
I can’t say whether I will be able to fully do it or not.
But l promise to be honest about it, and keep you posted on my progress...